In fifteen days I will be turning twenty-something again, added year to be more confused and chaotic whether I walked through the right or the wrong trail of my profession.
During my university days there were these dreams, imaginings and illusions that after a year from completion had better if I am established from a job I sought to have. Oh,
Two years ago, that feeling of wearing a toga leaves me wheezing as I felt I was winged to conquer the world. Those idealism and ambitions that dressed my whole being was a precious grit I certainly cannot grip. And that indescribable and unspeakable smile from my parents’ lips was a flash I will never forget.
Today, as I sit and stare at this white table where all I have to see are calculator, computer, pens, papers, etcetera and yes, alcohol. It makes me stay behind and just gaze for a period of an hour as questions open fire on my mind whether or not to agree in this cynical choosing.
As we live in a world these days where checking friends is just a chat away, I see them pursuing in a law school, some taking master’s degree and others are successful in taking up their board exams. What struck me most are giggles for my friends’ cute babies and I feel a bit envious to have them personally nuzzling in my arms. (Or perhaps, a little baby I call my own?)
I see how happy and contented they are with their chosen paths and here I am with a sting in the tail and having a touch of intimidation.
I think the main problem is me not knowing what I want or where to begin again. There’s this regret and a pang of guilt every time I think of the “What-If’s and I should have been’s.” There are these false impressions and the fantasies that I believed in one way or another will never turn to realities.
I may sound remorseful because of the failed expectations and the melancholic thoughts, the unwise decisions and the wrong choices. I am.
But it’s time to remind myself again that I am not totally trapped in the deepest mud of regret and I’m not lost. NOT YET.