Confusions and Emptiness of a Twenty-** Years Old Lady

1374790_750620648287125_1876683758_n (1)In fifteen days I will be turning twenty-something again, added year to be more confused and chaotic whether I walked through the right or the wrong trail of my profession.

During my university days there were these dreams, imaginings and illusions that after a year from completion had better if I am established from a job I sought to have. Oh, delusions.

Two years ago, that feeling of wearing a toga leaves me wheezing as I felt I was winged to conquer the world. Those idealism and ambitions that dressed my whole being was a precious grit I certainly cannot grip. And that indescribable and unspeakable smile from my parents’ lips was a flash I will never forget.

Today, as I sit and stare at this white table where all I have to see are calculator, computer, pens, papers, etcetera and yes, alcohol. It makes me stay behind and just gaze for a period of an hour as questions open fire on my mind whether or not to agree in this cynical choosing.

As we live in a world these days where checking friends is just a chat away, I see them pursuing in a law school, some taking master’s degree and others are successful in taking up their board exams. What struck me most are giggles for my friends’ cute babies and I feel a bit envious to have them personally nuzzling in my arms. (Or perhaps, a little baby I call my own?)

I see how happy and contented they are with their chosen paths and here I am with a sting in the tail and having a touch of intimidation.

I think the main problem is me not knowing what I want or where to begin again. There’s this regret and a pang of guilt every time I think of the “What-If’s and I should have been’s.” There are these false impressions and the fantasies that I believed in one way or another will never turn to realities.

I may sound remorseful because of the failed expectations and the melancholic thoughts, the unwise decisions and the wrong choices. I am.

But it’s time to remind myself again that I am not totally trapped in the deepest mud of regret and I’m not lost. NOT YET.

It’s a relief that I woke up today after a passionate prayer last night, that this thinking and hollowness is just pretty normal. I reached the age where SEEKING and HUNTING FOR QUEST is a serious game that I have to win. 
Life is full of wonders and the doubts are just tight spots that I could not care less.
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Daughter of the Star-Breather.

10 thoughts on “Confusions and Emptiness of a Twenty-** Years Old Lady

  1. Thank you for your visit and “follow” to my site.
    Keep your chin up in positive attitude and all will smooth out.
    Praying for you, best wishes,
    Len

    Like

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