With the trivial image I have set for myself, which without qualms, I was about freedom, independence and relentlessly have the greedy guts to follow whatever my heart decides. Besides, all I ever understood was the inquisitive soul in me that only travelling and discovering new things will stretch a meaningful and a vibrant life. Affirmatively, my humanity craves for wayfaring which then I centered my nature on.
Scrupulously talking though, I’ve been behind a space waiting that maybe, just maybe, one day I will gaze in awe and tell this to myself, “Of all the books I’ve touched, the best are the pages of my passport.” Undeniably we hunger to experience the joy of travelling, to hook the peace we’ve been craving on, to discern the bliss we’ve been thirsty of, etcetera, and etcetera.
All through my younger times there was this swayed theme in me that whenever I was unable to physically and emotionally handle difficult situations, I escape. So does snappishly walking away and getting lost in the forest way back home was beyond all the bounds. Dang sure that I grew into some sort of “recreated” after the soul-search, but then and there, the frustrating emptiness is enfolding me by and by.
As I look back now, I can say how I was being misled by those emotions and false beliefs. While I seek to leak myself in myth running away from miseries, is comparable to some sort of creating my fantasy world to drip away from the frustrations of life. That being said, our emotions are sometimes true, but it is false every so often. It can be very deceptive. Those days of daydreaming might cherished me and provided a benign haven for a few moments of comfort, but swift to pass.
In verity, my eleven months of irritable atmosphere working here abroad, I truthfully reached the point of thinking the leeway to quit my job, grab my bag and travel even if it means using the last penny I have in my wallet. I was not being realistic, I stargazed yet again. We did overhear that we are free to choose whatever paths to take but no one can ever escape the consequences of our choice. So what if I picked to take that track? It could be a great decision. Who knows? Or else, I would have been living a hundred days of regret now as I see a big picture of me empty-handed, and might repeatedly whispering a bitter truth of how brainless damsel I was.
In any case, I think I said something that you might misunderstand. Travelling and enjoying yourself are both stipulations to diminish the constant worries and dreads of this patent life cast-iron certainties, so don’t take this the wrong way. In my personal understandings, I let emotion managed me instead of me dealing with it, so what happened was, I passed through the wrong motives. Because when you are way too emotional, you think wild and fast, most of all, you don’t pray and ask for guidance. You believed merely and put confidence in yourself, not until you were trapped from boo-boo and in due course, you regret.
Indeed I was once very impulsive, pushy and ordinarily take risks granting all the aftermaths, best or worst. But – those were the younger years. This day and age, how could I not even seriously reflect first before deciding a thing? I tell you, today’s completely poles apart. When you made one single wrong move, everything follows. La-di-da.
One day my cousin introduced Pastor Joyce Meyer and the first time I watched her, I was stimulated when she said this, “He who lives by emotions lives without principle.” I didn’t only realize but I learned that we have to live not by feelings but by faith, a kind of faith that will develop when you focus all your heart, mind and strength.
At that point I started to understand that I SERIOUSLY NEED SPIRITUAL MATURITY because it is essential for my emotional ripeness, for when you were spiritually mellowed your horizon will be broaden in all aspects of life, above all is having an intimate relationship with the Living God who will guide you in many incredible ways.
And now I got so enthusiastic to share this short yet meaningful experience. I grew up in a not so Christian family and in all honesty, my parents weren’t that fervent to teach us the Word of God because they were so busy making a living. But there are relatives who are Christians, of course. However, when you were not with the same roof with them there was always a gap. You were shared about Jesus but you never really understood who He really is. The mirthless part is this, I turned 20 years old but I never really opened a bible not until I became 21.
Here and now, finally the desires of my heart blossom and develops within me a passionate understanding as I dig deeper and experience the divine truth. What I am really thankful are the people who God made as instruments to draw me closer to Him, that include my cousin who has the strong faith that leads me to know the gospel. As what the song says, I was once lost but now am found, was blind but now I see. Amazing Grace is not it?
In turn, how I set myself being independent lass was beyond doubt a misguided one. Telling myself that I should be free was a disguise from endless insecurities, today I’ve been set a REAL freedom for I am living to please Jesus not myself and definitely not the people around me. And oh, the scripture tells, find strength in the Lord not in yourself, because the self is crooked, the self is weak.
Proverbs 28:26 says, “Whoever trusts in his own minds is a fool, but he who walks in His wisdom will be delivered.”
You see I slid in deception believing that I was better than who I really was, that I can manage my life on my own but in exchange were circles of guilt and shame after quite a lot of mistakes. But by grace that now I have been kept and well-guided. I have His love and mercy not because I earned it but merely because of whom He really is. I am saved by grace. It is not what I do that counts but what He finished at the cross. Grace is an undeserved favor. My God is a God.
Currently I still yearn to fulfill the desire of my spirit which is to travel but not to escape depressions because His burden is light (Matthew 11:28–30), but to see how wonderful God has designed for His people. In His perfect time, I will.
THE GREATEST BOOK I’VE EVER TOUCHED & READ IS NOT MY PASSPORT BUT THE BIBLE.